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Blackest matter pervading my head,
seizing my limbs as I'm facing the dark,
thoughts unwanted, unheard and unsaid,
discarding thy redemptive salvaging spark.  

Shreds of light stroking my mind,
creating a glance into heavenly place,
my childish self, so naive and blind,
thou enlighten for me oh to embrace.

It's the infinite dance, the unending fight,
a game to be lost by the vines of time,
one leads to sorrow, the other to light,
thou are the only to toll the ransoming chime.
 
Well, this is my first attempt in doing poetry in English.. ^^ I hope everything is clear and understandable. :) I had to use my dictionary for half of the words, but it was much fun and I am really happy with the result. :D There are many ways to interprete this little poem, let your own imagination interprete it as you want. I dont like writing too much about the meaning, because everyone may find a different meaning.

This is a very spiritual poem, as I am religious and it kinda shows my connection to God.

Hope you like it! :heart:

Favs, comments and critiques are hiighly appreciated, please write me what you think about my first English poem! ^^
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmaster-liafi:
Reading this, I felt like it was a song. There was a drum beating in the background, lightly, like the beat of a heart, and I could hear those chimes; I really could!

The first stanza struck out immediately. It was like being in a dream where everything was falling through a black crevasse and facing oblivion. The phrase "as I'm facing the dark," is beautiful in the sheer simplicity of it, and I found my own unheard thoughts falling away with this narrator's.

The second stanza was like the sun peeking through the clouds on a long, rainy, cold day. The religious touch to it did not deter from the piece, it really added to it. Some might whine about it being subliminal or what have you, but it is so subtle and delicately placed that it seems like the frosting on a marvelous cupcake.

Finally, there was the third stanza. It is easily my favorite, as it was intense and flowed so marvelously. That third stanza felt like the reprise or chorus of a song, and with those "ransoming chimes" ringing, it felt like a perfect ending to a marvelous piece.

You say it is your first attempt at English poetry, and yet, it seems so well written, so thought out, that it is clear that you truly care about what it is you are writing. I say kudos to you, and cannot fathom where your skill will take you.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

:icontheladyphantom:
This was a really amazing piece of writing. Your descriptive language, along with your prose, was very beautiful and full of life. Your imagery was very well done here, as I could almost see a sort of dance taking place between those beams of light and darkness. This was very true to a lot of emotional standpoints on faith, and I think that it speaks to a part of anyone who is religious and has ever had that moment of wondering if what they believe isn't real, and the fear that follows. I just think that this was very touching, and spoke to a very deep place that a lot of people face in their lifetime.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
11 out of 11 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:icontwilightyaoifangirl:
twilightyaoifangirl Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Student
I think I am going to cry... that was utterly the most beautiful poem, and I'm a Shakespeare buff...
Reply
:icondomosushiluver:
DomoSushiLuver Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
wow that was really amazing i love it so much
Reply
:iconantoniskoundourakis:
AntonisKoundourakis Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Professional Artist
My friend this poem is very touching. I know what you mean. You have to trust your faith and more doors will open to you. Doors of perception and more people will show up to cover for your ambivalences. Like John Lennon sang not too long a time ago with the Beatles: "There's nothing you can know that isn't known, nothing you can see that isn't shown, nowhere you can be that isn't where you're ment to be, it's easy: all you need is love."
Reply
:iconfluffyboy66:
Fluffyboy66 Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love it. :)
Reply
:iconkuroyukidragon95ii:
KuroyukiDragon95II Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
if you read the first and third lines of each stanza, you get another awesome point of view...totally just wanting to say that! But it was fantastic!! :D
Reply
:iconsaaiie:
Saaiie Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconclapplz: Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Reply
:iconotaku3333:
Otaku3333 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Student Writer
I love this! :D

It is wonderully structured.
Reply
:iconlivinginmythoughts:
LivingInMyThoughts Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012
This is incredible. The poem conveys a nice, clear picture of what I assume is the ideal image and its not super confusing or complex. Very nice. :)
Reply
:iconkailani-e:
Kailani-e Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Amazing! :D
Reply
:iconzumea:
Zumea Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
reminds me of Thorauo, i don't think i spelled his name right, he was known for his essays but his poems are nice, and you have to use a dictionary to read them sometimes:)
Reply
:iconmisteroconbrio:
MisteroConBrio Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012
Did you mean Henry David Thoreau, author of Civil Disobedience, Inspiration, etc?
Reply
:iconzumea:
Zumea Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
yes, my teacher says she wouldn't usully teach him, because he's known for his essays not his poetry, but he's on the test we have to take so the district can monitor how well everyone is doing.
Reply
:iconseykloren:
Seykloren Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012
It is very beautiful,te emotion is carried out and gelt fully from the beginning to the end.
Reply
:icon4nd3r50n:
4nd3r50n Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012
this is amazing
Reply
:icongotw3:
gotw3 Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012  Student General Artist
Beautiful. :)
Reply
:iconjokerrlaughs:
JokerrLaughs Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
beautiful
so.. wonderfully written
Reply
:iconshippuden23:
Shippuden23 Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012
This was very beautiful. Well done :clap:
Reply
:iconfilledepluie:
FilleDePluie Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012
ahhh, I love it :love:
Reply
:iconcarouselclover:
carouselclover Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012  Student General Artist
Great job!
Reply
:iconinpbo:
InPBo Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012  Student General Artist
indeed a very deep poem. i love it so much ^^ thanks for sharing :)
Reply
:iconsaphir93:
saphir93 Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012
a Amazing poetry ;)
Reply
:iconorange-1:
Orange-1 Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012
Fantastic!:-)
Reply
:icontiaprincessnews:
TiaPrincessNews Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's beautiful
Reply
:iconpikalatias46:
pikalatias46 Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
I love it!! Way better than any of my attempts and English is my first language!! lol
Reply
:iconsaphyre-skies:
Saphyre-skies Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
The rhythm and use of sound are fantastic, on top of a solid rhyme scheme. The last line is just striking. Well done ^__^
Reply
:iconlovelydearyyou:
LovelyDearyYou Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is AMAZING for someone who does not have English as their first language. I am so impressed...*O*
Reply
:iconxoxoxivoryxoxox:
xoxoxivoryxoxox Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
holly crap dark, deep, elegant!
Reply
:iconuber-dan:
Uber-Dan Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:iconpinkiepieclapplz:
Reply
:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Professional Writer
This is amazingly beautiful... :love:
Reply
:iconmadelineanglelee:
MadelineAngleLee Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
its amazing!!! I love it!!!
Reply
:iconsowhatsgoin1192:
sowhatsgoin1192 Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist
I love it!
Reply
:iconivy-the-rubytiger175:
very moving
Reply
:iconof-the-skies:
of-the-skies Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Nice! :)
Reply
:iconundeadcrusades:
UndeadCrusades Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Student General Artist
This is beautiful, and I love how it rhymes.
Your prose and descriptive language, everything was just filled with this life.
Great job! =)
Reply
:iconanawkwardblue:
AnAwkwardBlue Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012
:') So powerful, I don't know what to say.

With the "thous" and "thys", you took it to another level that even poets that speak English as a first language don't usually do, much less someone who doesn't speak it as their first language!
Reply
:iconshougatouki:
ShougaTouki Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
English isn't your first language?! :iconwhutplz: It's very, very pretty. ^_^
Reply
:iconladyneytiri:
LadyNeytiri Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Student General Artist
Ah you've been posting such awesome stuff recently
I haven't been able to come up with coherent comments! XD
But I'll have you know that everything you've posted just recently
I have just loved so much with all the pretty colors along with amazing little
details you use and this is definitely no exception :heart: Though you can't visually see the colors
right in front of you it conjures your imagination with wonderfully clear colors!! :D Love it as always my friend ^_^ :la:
Reply
:iconjojoesart:
JoJoesArt Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
ahh you are so awesome! :heart:
Reply
:iconladyneytiri:
LadyNeytiri Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Student General Artist
Nuuu you are ;P :heart:
Reply
:icontigresadaina:
TigresaDaina Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I love it! very nice!! x3
Reply
:icondrewschermick:
drewschermick Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Professional General Artist
deep words...
Reply
:iconnykol-haebrd:
nykol-haebrd Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's beautiful and so introspective, even as it's using physical descriptions. I can see a comparision going on here, perhaps even a battle in the speaker's mind. Perhaps that's why it sounds so epic. Good job!
Reply
:iconcountrydarkrain:
CountryDarkRain Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
seizing my limbs as I'm facing the dread.

It is a very beautiful poem. Every one of coarse will take into account of their own interpretation. :)
Reply
:iconsowhatsgoin1192:
sowhatsgoin1192 Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist
wow. I this twice because it's that good. ^_^ It's really nice sanguis. It flows nicely and I think your rhyming is really good concidering it's your first poem in English. Over all I think you did really well.
Reply
:iconjack0998:
jack0998 Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012
It is really cool! It sounds very good and the images are beautiful!
Reply
:iconkeyshe54:
Keyshe54 Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012   Traditional Artist
Beautiful words :)
Reply
:iconpsychoticchibiiusa:
PsychoticChibiiUsa Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Ah, before I read your description on it, I thought it was about losing someone in death.

The tempo is a little off towards the end, but I love your use of words. You did a lovely job describing your thoughts :D I find it to be very calming, yet, foreboding. Almost like these words are some patch of dark woods you know you're not supposed to go into, but something tells you you'll be alright if you do.

I like it :) I think it's lovely.
Reply
:iconkakai-tan:
Kakai-tan Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is great! The imagery is really striking, and the use of the language is quite well done. I love all of the different interpretations that can be found!
Reply
:iconusethebrakes:
UseTheBrakes Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012
Well, it's better than me. I don't even know if rain and again rhyme...
Reply
:icondraxonis-lupusvi:
Draxonis-LupusVI Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:thumbsup: :fella:
Reply
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